The daily digest of Twin Cities culture | Secrets of the City

The werewolf’s life has never been easy. But the complications of twenty-first-century living often result in even more confusion and frustration. Fortunately, a few sessions with a qualified life coach can help today’s lycanthrope adjust to those inevitable crises of confidence.

OWN YOUR ASPIRATIONS.
Werewolves often lack a sense of purpose in their lives, personally and professionally. As any good life coach will tell you, it’s your choice to make. Whatever the lunar phase, whatever your dreams, you must first decide whether you want to go through life as a victim of society’s ridicule and fear or as the latest toast of its reluctant acceptance, like hip-hop performers. Once you own your aspirations, the rest is outrageously simple.

ACCENTUATE YOUR POSITIVES.
Sure, it’s difficult being a monster. But don’t let that spoil your prospects for happiness. Steer clear of negative, stereotypical thinking. Instead, learn how to accentuate your unique, mostly positive werewolf qualities, such as the razor-sharpness of your fangs and your superhuman physical agility.

TRANSCEND YOUR FEARS.
The world can be a scary place, it’s true. But remember, nearly everyone you’ll ever meet will be more terrified of you than you are of them. Nothing frightens a community more than sudden pet disappearances—except possibly when a bunch of tasty babies go missing. The only thing werewolves really have to fear is being shot by a vigilante carrying a gun loaded with silver bullets.

BALANCE CAREER & FAMILY.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and it doesn’t do much for werewolves, either. That’s why it’s important to prioritize your priorities to make sure you balance your responsibilities at work and at home. Wandering parks and city streets with your children in the wee hours of moonlit nights is the best way to watch them grow up. Remember, the family that preys together stays together!

BE YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF.
Body-image issues plague teenage girls, homosexual men, and werewolves alike. Look beyond your hirsute reflection in the mirror and discover the inner beauty hidden beneath the coarse brown fur that covers your body. Once you’ve done that, you may also want to spring for a makeover, or at least a comb.

HOWL YOUR HEART OUT.
Worried that your neighbors will think less of you because you’re always out howling at full moons? Learn how to howl in a discreet, socially acceptable manner. And when ripping out a neighbor’s throat, there’s no need to rub in the embarrassment by behaving like some kind of brute savage. Your victim will feel bad enough already.