The daily digest of Twin Cities culture | Secrets of the City

Shrak, Not Shrek

“It’s Shrak, not Shrek,” the ogre roared. But the peasants stood waving and smiling as he stomped on their village. They should be terrified. But instead they formed a crowd to watch his rampage, applauding. “At a boy, Shrek,” they shouted. “Now sit on the barn!”

An animated cartoon had ruined his life. Now, everyone thought he was a pushover, a creampuff…an ogre with a heart of gold.

“As soon as I finish crushing your corn crop I’m coming over there and wipe those stupid grins right off your stupid faces!” he growled.

“Love ya, ogre,” One farmer shouted.

“Down deep, he is really a sweetie,” the farmer’s plump wife confided.

Their adorable but crippled daughter pointed at Shrak and cooed, “Barn go boom.”

“I’ve had enough!” Shrak cried and ripped up the remains of the barn.

“Thanks. Just insured that old barn,” the farmer laughed. “Going to torch it myself.”

Shrak let out a mighty bellow and beat his massive chest. The peasants clapped and whistled. It was all good barnyard entertainment. He should eat one or two of them. But somehow, he’d lost his appetite. There was no sport in catching peasants when they just stood there laughing. Shrak had his pride.

He stomped off to his cave in the deep woods. “I’ll show them,” he vowed. “Make fun of me. Ha!”

“Hey, Shrak,” Call a familiar voice. It was Marvin the wizard. He lived two oaks and a dragon’s lair down from Shrak. “Why the long face?”

“It’s the peasants again. I can’t get no respect.”

“Respect? Ah, tell me about respect. I’ve been working all day in my laboratory making special pies for the Prince’s pie throwing competition. His messenger picks them up and do I get paid?”

Shrak was not good at rhetorical questions.

“No!” Marvin said. “It’s a crime the way he cheats people.”

“I like pies.”

Marvin sighed. “Look who I’m talking to.”

“Um, why don’t he have his cook make the pies?”

“It’s for a competition, a pie throwing competition at the castle. The pies have a magic spell that makes them hit whatever he aims at. You know what a sore loser the Prince is, especially since this is his birthday. My pies will make him the winner for sure, the cheap so and so.”

Shrak tried to imagine why anyone would ruin a perfectly good pie by throwing it. “That’s dumb. If I were a wizard, I’d make a spell so the pies landed right in my mouth. I like pies. Mmmmm.”

Melvin jumped up. “Shrak you may be a cretin - but you are a genius.”

“Oh, golly,” Shrak blushed. “Well, I was top of my ogre class in flattening knights with my fist.”

“Listen, you are going to that competition,” Melvin took Shrak by his huge arm. “Come into my laboratory my lumpy big friend….”

The day of the pie throwing competition came and to the amazement and joy of the Prince’s subjects, Shrak showed up. The Prince, of course, ordered his knights to remove Shrak, but after he flattened three knights, the Prince decided to allow him to stay. The first competitor landed several pies near the target, but the Prince had his henchmen moving the bull’s-eye to make sure no one would hit it. Each peasant tried but missed. The audience grumbled at the Prince’s cheating. The final competitor threw and missed and the Prince laughed his evil laugh, for now it was his turn.

The Prince wound up and let his first pie fly. Shrak opened his huge mouth. Well, even if you have never read a fairytale, you must know what happened. Straight into Shrak’s enormous mouth it flew. Puzzled, the Prince threw again. Into Shrak’s mouth it went. The Prince turned red with anger and quickly tossed two more pies. Plop, plop, into Shrak’s mouth they went.

“This is impossible. Someone is cheating!” the Prince shouted.

“Oh, I don’t think so, Mr. Prince, sir,” Shrak said. He strode up to the pie throwing line and saw the farmer’s crippled child. He picked her up and taking the last pie from the Prince, handed it to her. “Take a shot, kid.” Shrak closed his mouth tight.

The child could barely lift the pie, but she tossed with all her might and like an arrow the pie hit the target dead center.

The Prince sputtered in his rage but the King, who realized his son was spoiled, chuckled. “Well, thrown, my dear.”

The peasants cheered. Several sprained their backs trying to lift Shrak on their shoulders. The little girl threw her arms around Shrak’s neck and gave him a kiss.

Shrak sighed. For an evil ogre had put his foot in it this time. Maybe he should move.

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