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I just got a $500+ bill in the mail for a basic teeth cleaning. I have dental insurance, and I just got a $500+ bill in the mail for a basic teeth cleaning. Yup...

Why exactly do I have dental insurance? Certainly if my teeth were crooked and I wanted to get them straightened, my insurance company would argue that it's purely for aesthetic purposes, hence unnecessary. Is it to protect me from the consequences of a good bashing? — probably self-inflicted after receiving their bill...

I lied about the basic cleaning.

It wasn't quite "basic." My dentist — or dental hygienist, as we no longer seem to be seen by an actual dentist — told me I needed a cleaning by quadrants. Apparently, at my age, two years is too long to wait between cleanings. I know. I know. But who has the time?

My mouth was in bad shape. True. So, of course, I didn't argue much when she said my mouth would have to be cleaned in stages. How many? Three. Four. We'd have to see.

Three or four cleanings sounded like a scam to me. I'm always looking for the scam. That's what happens when you've been a sucker for so long. We're all fargin' suckers.

Three or four cleanings means three or four visits. Three or four visits means three or four payments, means three or four claims to the insurance company, means three or four copays on my part. Am I even supposed to have a copay? They certainly don't care. I mean, explain to me how my partner and I — who have the same exact insurance — have two entirely different copays. Interesting.

Aha! I wasn't about to succumb to this scam. No. Not this time.

Certainly, my insurance only covers one cleaning a year — or every six months, as most. Certainly I'd end up having to pay an excess of $1000.

I was assured this was not the case. I was assured by my dentist — dental hygienist, of course. I was assured by the receptionist. I was assured by the billing clerk. I was not assured by my insurance company, of course.

I'm a trooper. (I am quite sure I have never said that about myself before.) I bypassed all pain killers and underwent the cleaning in only two phases. HooYeah!

Months later, with only a few weeks until my next dental cleaning, I have finally received a bill in excess of $500. Sa-weet.

I'll fight this one. I'll lose this one.. as I always do. And yet I cannot help but fight this one. I must fight this one. I'm right. But you see, I know darn well that "right" has nothing to do with it. How did this happen?