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Dear scantily clad women shivering on 1^st Avenue at bar close, waiting for the cab the bartender called for you 45 minutes ago, 

Thanks to U.S. District Judge James Rosenbaum, no longer will you have to wait to get home and get your swerve on with that friendly soul who was so kind as to buy you five vodka and Red Bulls. You see, prior to this decision to throw the lawsuit to block the expansion of cab services in Minneapolis out of court, Minneapolis desire to expand its taxi fleet was on hold, still operating under an asinine cap system, holding the city to a preset number of taxis. In October, 2006, the city decided to address the issue, opening taxi service up for expansion. The Minneapolis Taxi Owners Coalition quickly sued to block the expansion, fearing for their contract with HBO for the next season of "Taxicab Confessions." Given how reliant other cities are on cabs, this would seem to be a large-scale issue. In fact, last year the city had only 343 cabs - not nearly enough to hold back the rising tide of fumbling drunks determined to shirk the sacred responsibilities of a lush, which include:

• paying for parking
• driving drunk
• causing a five car pile up on 35W in an ill-advised, drunken attempt at road head

Due to Judge Rosenbaum's decision, taxi licenses will no longer cost would-be cabbies $25,000 and a night of "initiation"(generally involving livestock, nudity, and unspeakable acts performed on the Mary Tyler Moore statue at 7^th and Nicollet). For the next two years, the cap will be raised by 45 licenses, and will be completely removed in 2010. The only restrictions placed on the proliferation of these rolling drunk tanks being that 10 percent of the city's cabs must be high efficiency or wheelchair accessible vehicles.  

Of course, the decision doesn't only bode well for the metro-area's cleavage-baring and playa population. The majority of cab companies in the Twin Cities are minority owned, and one of the parties advocating blocking the lawsuit (and one of the first in line for the $425 taxi licenses) is at least partly minority-owned as well. And there's certainly pent up demand, as evidenced by the busy signals so often heard when calling any of the major cab companies during bar close or afternoon rush hours. And visitors to our fair city from larger metropolises will no longer be baffled by the futility of using a cab for reliable transportation - an important key for tourist revenues. The upcoming Republican Convention couldn't possibly have anything to do with the city's decision to change the rules...could it? 

Regardless, take heart, skeezy men and skanktastic women of First Avenue. Judge Rosenbaum has heard your cries for clemency and has the city well on its way to providing you with a chariot for all your debaucheristic needs. No more shall you shiver in the cold waving frantically for a cab, the handkerchief you wear as a top blowing in the chill wind as you teeter unsteadily on stiletto heels completely unsuited for a night of equilibrium annihilating drink. For Minneapolis and the U.S. Federal Courts have conquered the diabolical Taxi Owner's Coalition in the name of drunkards and inebriates everywhere, and never shall you be forced to wait for a cab to experience the disappointment of a fumbling drunken one-night stand again.