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• Public Servants by Day, Dead Sexy by Night

Well it's been awhile since I have blogged and as much as I would like to share with you why....

Not going to happen...

Onward and forward.

I admit it---I used to watch Baywatch and instead of caring about the story line, I was always curious about how the girls look so hot right out of the ocean...

Yes it's TV but isn't there at least a little truth in TV shows? After all, ideas don't just pop out of people's imagination--or do they? When it comes to how it looks and feels after a long day of jumping in and out of the ocean are there a few things the writers and producers left out?

Like what you ask?

Let's start with the bathing suit. I knew a two piece would be a bad idea because not only am I past my prime, but the idea of losing my top and having the lifeguard clear the beach was not what my kids ordered when they agreed to let me go boogie boarding with them in Hawaii over holiday break...

The one piece suit was the ONLY option.

As I leaped into the water and ran towards the first wave ...all I could think of was I know my suit is not going anywhere but the 60 something hairy-backed bald dude with the too small Speedo was screwed.

Before I could say "great wave dude" I got the displeasure of seeing bits of the old hairy dude practically in my face. Yuk I thought the salty water was bad... 

Next came the look on my daughter's face with a loud scolding, "Mom you have a booger beard hanging down your face and it looks like you are wearing a diaper."

Great I thought to myself as I looked down my suit and noticed my belly button ring flew off along with one of the boob pads that were supposed secure me.

What a way to show off to my kids and the other brave souls at the beach what it looks like for a 40 year old to think that she can compete with the other hot young women and boogie board while still looking like a million bucks.

A few hours later, there I was freezing cold-- buck naked standing in what was supposed to be a women's restroom trying to empty out my "sand diaper" from my suit...praying that no one would come in while I tried to drink the water from the sink (I was dehydrated and had NO bottled water with me) and find my navel ring.

Pathetic is the only word I could think of to explain myself to my daughter who was standing guard outside the bathroom so no one would walk in and see her naked over the hill mother trying to hold on to her youth.

Everywhere I was looking for that one piece of jewelry that made me feel like a young hot babe-- my belly button ring.

As I went to put my suit back on and tried to get the sand out of the various crevices, there it was, the gold hoop right in the crotch of my suit. How did it get there and is someone trying to tell me it's time to close the chapter on trying to be something that I am not?

Yep.

The navel ring, hair extensions, eyelash extensions and even artificial nails were all something of the past. As I was leaving the beach I went over to the Lifeguard to apologize for witnessing such a sad sight and when I asked him where he was from (clearly not Hawaii) he told me Minnetonka Minnesota.

Mike Pierre class of 1988. Unbelievable. I'm in the middle of a tiny beach in fricken Hawaii while having a middle life breakdown and the lifeguard is from my home town.

When I introduced myself as Melinda Jacobs, Mike Pierre asked me, "Are you related to the Jacobs that lived in that big house on Lake Minnetonka?" With my real hair pulled back in a bun and wearing a big t-shirt, I smiled. "Yes I am."