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Dear State of Minnesota,

Congratulations! You've been pre-approved for a $1 billion line of credit! Use it to consolidate debt! Pay off loans! Work on home improvement projects! Invest in real estate! Low low interest rates for those who qualify! Whatever your situation, we'll work with you to get the terms you need and the payment you want. Simply call this toll-free number and enter your approval code at the prompt and speak with one of our friendly account representatives who can help you close on your loan quickly, easily and painlessly.

After all we've been through in the last year, you'd think we'd have learned to ignore those letters.

Essentially, Gov. Pawlenty offered the state an adjustable rate mortgage yesterday. The plan he put forth for balancing the state budget is likely to function approximately as well as ARMS did for families looking to buy Eden Prairie McMansions they couldn't otherwise afford. As most Minnesotans know, these questionable financial products work well for a few years, but once the interest rate skyrockets, the families using them enter a shit-strewn minefield of bankruptcy, mortgage default, and a shame spiral that would drive even the most hardened anorexic to a frenzy of Little Debbies and cookie dough. And should the Pawlenty proposal happen to pass, well, Minnesota can just get ready to sit down to a feast of individually wrapped snack cakes.

Make no mistake, the framework offered by the governor to balance the budget mortgages the future of the state -- literally. The state is scheduled to receive approximately $1 billion in funds over the next 20 years from tobacco companies as part of the state's settlement of the tobacco suit. As part of his proposal, Gov. Pawlenty suggests a loan that leverages these funds to make up $1 billion of the shortfall. Assuming a 1 percent interest rate and a 20 year term, that's roughly $55.2 million in payments per year and more than $100 million in interest. And since Minnesota lacks anything even faintly resembling a budget reserve, it's more likely that lenders would take far more than that out of our virgin Scandinavian buttocks.

Just as problematic, the governor is counting on some of the Obama stimulus package to help bridge the funding gap rather than get truly creative in finding the funds the state needs. This one time money may help us now, but it won't be there to help us address the predicted shortfalls in upcoming bienniums. But instead of preparing the state for the future by bolstering economic engines like the University of Minnesota system, the plan cuts them. One of the primary reasons businesses set up shop in Minnesota is for the highly educated workforce available to them. A 10 percent cut to the University system could cause a significant hit to the college's rankings. Such a hit could make businesses run away from Minnesota even faster than this Vita.mn Hotness Contest nominee's crotch-like facial hair drives women away screaming in abject terror and disgust.

Of course, the plan is far from final. The legislature and Gov. Pawlenty will fire competing plans to and fro at the Capitol until the end of session when a compromise is reached. However, only kids, dogs, and men who play hockey once too often sans helmet can live permanently in the now and not experience the repercussions. The last time Minnesota planned for the future was in 2002 when Jesse Ventura offered the legislature, headed by Tim Pawlenty and Roger Moe, a budget that would've addressed the budget shortfall and set the state on solid financial ground. Instead, our fearless leaders decided to Carpe Fucking Diem and offered The Body, and the state, a solid buggering in the form of accounting shifts and one time moneys that balanced the budget but did nothing to solve the underlying issues.

Will our leaders somehow remember that they're responsible for guiding the state to prosperity in coming years, or will they defy Master Yoda's teachings and reach for the quick and easy path paved by mortgage lenders, unsound financial theories and brain damage? Only time, and the Gollum-like creatures of the Capitol press corps, will tell.