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Amidst talk of $15 billion bridge loans tied to car czars who will help U.S. automakers get their houses in order and finally provide us with our long-promised flying cars, there are voices crying out for succor that go unheard. Whilst Minnesota legislators and its top executive seem oddly eager to cut government jobs during the long dark winter of an economy deep in recession, the true cost of the global downturn has been overlooked.

We speak, of course, of the world's high-class hussies, gold diggers, and hos. These stalwart citizens who seek only fair payment for ensuring the happiness of our captains of industry, are facing an economic crisis that looms larger than even the most mountainous of their ill-advised breast implants. With private jets grounded and their once ultra-rich passengers firmly in the upright position, unable to lean back and enjoy a stress-free ride, how are these professionals to ply their trade? And it's cold comfort for the underemployed to know that, according to a Prince & Assoc. survey, only 12 percent of the affluent plan to give up their lovers for financial reasons. The fact remains that the same survey found that 82 percent of them plan to dramatically cut back on their extra-marital spending.

Minnesota's own unemployment picture won't be known until the official report is out on the 18th. However, like many of the poor benighted souls who once held one of the 533,000 jobs eliminated last month, these happy few men and women who shed blood, sweat, tears, and a variety of other bodily fluids, to earn the gratitude of the world's most powerful executives and officials must now learn to economize. Where many Minnesota families have had to switch from the plush cashmere-like experience of Charmin Ultra to the 80 grit store brand found in fine S&M clubs across the country, these modern courtesans have had to make do with, on average, 20 percent less bling. Where once there were Vertu phones, blindingly sparkly items culled from Tiffany wishlists, and the finest silken lingerie money can buy, only iPhones and the highest quality crotchless edible thongs a house account at Sexworld can buy remain.

And like those Minnesotans left without recourse by a layoff, these mistresses and man-whores are faced with rapidly diminishing marketability as others in the same field consolidate their positions. And with the state and federal government deadlocked as to the best course of action and legislators going so far as to publicly castigate any executives or companies that dare show excess or largesse, it's unlikely they'll see any relief any time soon.