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Defenestrator

It’s All Over but the Drinkin’

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After years of campaigning, petty lawsuits, mavericks, lipstick besmirched pit bulls and McCarthy-esque meltdowns, we've arrived at the electoral day of reckoning. For all the millions of dollars spent to bring the will of the people to heel, the power now rests in the unwashed hands of the American public, or at least their duly appointed plenipotentiary representatives in the Electoral College. And now that your voice has been heard and you're eagerly devouring the election returns so lovingly delivered by cable news networks desperately eking one more night of sky high ratings out of the circus that our elections have become, there's naught left to do but drink.

Yes, whether celebrating or mourning the latest exit polls, Americans are in dire need of a massive cathartic bender. And luckily, bars throughout the metro area are happy to oblige. And in these difficult economic times, a hefty bar tab is the patriotic duty of all men. So whether you're joining the Drinking Liberally crowd at the 331 Club, or drowning your sorrows in your free pint of Schells from the Nomad World Pub, join your fellow man and raise a glass to the next president of the United States, the next Minnesota senator, and even the next representative for District 6 - whoever they may be.

And for those Communists who may be gathering in homes and apartments indulging in Costco-fueled collective inebriation, we bring you a drinking game to help pass the long pundit-filled hours until the polls close and we declare this fresh hell known as Election Season over.

  • Every time someone references change - take a shot
  • Every time someone debates whether Sarah Palin helped or hurt the GOP ticket - take a shot
  • Every time someone talks about the role of blogs in this election season - take a shot
  • Every time an "analyst," "pundit," "consultant" or some other empty title is on the news commenting on the election - take a shot
  • Take two shots if you've seen that particular pundit on another network with a different title earlier in the night
  • For every state that's called before the results are in - take a shot
  • If the networks have to change how they called the state - take two shots
  • For every campaign party shown on TV - take a shot
  • For every angry interview with a voter who backed the wrong horse - take two shots
  • If America's favorite hobbit masked wrestler, El Tinklenberg, beats Michele Bachmann - down your drink with a hearty Lechaim!
  • If Bachmann pulls it out - down your drink and keep ‘em coming
  • For every lurid tale of waiting hours in line to vote - take a drink
  • For every minute the length of the wait gets inflated as the night wears on - take another drink
  • For every story of voters being disenfranchised - take a drink
  • If you were disenfranchised - down the bottle and go kick a poll watcher's ass

 

 These, of course, are but a sampling of the potential reasons to drink one-self into a coma until the next election. Feel free to add your own in the comments below. After all - the candidates rewrite the rules of the game as they go along. Why can't we?

2 Reader Comments

Ang (not verified)02:09pm
Nov 4
This will probably kill me.
Rich Goldsmith02:43pm
Nov 4
No election is complete without a trip to detox.

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