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Last Wednesday, our fearless leader, the esteemed Gov. Timothy Pawlenty, stood in front of the Republican Governors Association and did his damndest not to gloat. His self-control was such that, even as arch-rival Gov. Sarah Palin spoke to the assembled executives, he refrained from leaping across the lectern to crush the life out of the woman who stole his rightful place at John McCain’s side. Of course, his restraint may have something to do with the fact that, in all likelihood, Gov. Palin could quickly kick the living shit out of him, field dress his still warm carcass and make delicious chili out of it.

But in between Gov. Pawlenty’s all too frequent bloody fantasies, he found time to skirt the edges of an important issue – why the Republican party has lost the hearts and minds of the majority of the country. Pawlenty, ever the optimist, offered his belief that Republicans, in pursuit of a modern party, can be both conservative and contemporary. But not before he mentioned the not inconsiderable fact that the party has become unable to compete in the country’s population centers. In fact, it’s not exaggeration to say that the party got spanked like a bad bad donkey (no pun intended) in those regions during the last two elections. Which begs the question – why?

One contributor is the GOP’s ongoing vilification of the well-educated and upper classes. The party’s platform of low taxes and what was once a general rule of fiscal conservatism obviously provides a solid base among these demographics to work from.  But this security has proven to be a double-edged sword, freeing the party to aim its affections elsewhere. Like an amply bosomed trophy wife, the GOP has turned to its proletariat tennis coaches and personal trainers for love.

This OCD-like focus on a nigh-mythical “real America” has limited the party’s ability to appeal to those outside of sparsely populated middle American regions. And Montana, while a natural wonder and home to the country’s most reasonable fines for moving violations, will not win any elections. Alienating the literati and well-educated, aside from potentially harming the U.S. by vilifying education in the minds of its youth, seems a profoundly bad idea simply because of their ability to make their opinions heard in the media and elsewhere.

However, even the party’s missteps there don’t get to the core of the problem – the seeds for which were laid eight years ago by the architects of the Bush administration’s rise to power. The party has always had a fundamental dichotomy curled around the heart of its social and fiscal conservatism. Fiscal conservatives want nothing more than for the clutching tentacles of government to be consigned to the horrific other from whence it came. Social conservatives, however, tend to want the government to legislate the private lives of Americans to maintain a vision of America and Americana that is rapidly eroding, if it ever truly existed as anything but an ideal. But while the party’s fiscally conservative batshit crazies have largely been consigned to a death sentence of irrelevance as Libertarians, the party embraced the social conservatives as the key to success.

Certainly, with the social conservative vote, Republicans are guaranteed a certain significant percentage of the electorate. However, like the insistent douchebag who begs his wife for a threesome only to find that, in the aftermath of this carnal adventure, said wife demands satisfaction of her own demands (which occasionally involve a pool boy, three bobby pins and a “vibrating massager”), the Republicans have been dragged further and further off the path to electoral bliss. The big tent Republicans Bush touted in 2000 have become the quiet minority within the party, the new economy-sized tent being more of a small sleeping bag just big enough for one man and the Holy Spirit. And maybe a butt plug, depending on whether the tent’s lone resident has retained Dr. Bachmann’s counseling services.

And it’s this miniscule tent that is the bane of the party – the “if you’re not with us, you’re against us” nature of the Republican platform. The country is changing and becoming more generally progressive as urban centers expand. Despite this, there’s room for conservatism. Conservative fiscal policy is, as a general rule, viable. And social conservatism helps ground the country in philosophies that don’t involve allowances for livestock in the bedroom – generally considered a good thing. However, the monolithic creature that is the modern Republican party seems to have ceased to question whether it truly represents the average American, instead listening to the most rabid members of the party and putting forth many ideals that appeal to the basest qualities of its adherents – fear of the alien and unknown, belief in the inherent superiority of the American way, and disdain for that which is different.

Make no mistake, the election did not signal some tidal change in American politics, but it was a wake up call for Republicans. If they fail to see that it’s not a question of using more technology, of better polling or getting more conservatives out to vote, they’ll eventually be consigned to representing Alaska, Utah and Idaho. Without a more moderate and inclusive platform, the Republican party will cease to be anything remotely resembling a viable party; becoming the Norm MacDonald of political movements – beloved by some, but only truly acceptable in small roles.

Happily, and perhaps boding well for the ’09 legislative session, our own Gov. Pawlenty seems to have realized this simple truth and could help lead the way to a more centrist future. One can only hope our governor’s bodyguards are capable of protecting our progressive leader from the devastating threat posed by cats trained in the ancient arts of ninjutsu, thus allowing him the time to affect the necessary changes.