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• Too Sexy for Uptown

As mentioned in a previous post featuring Mrs. Scarlett Johansson-Reynolds, facts have become a precious commodity in this election cycle. Between the outright lies about Obama's proud Arabian heritage, lurid tales of Eric Paulsen's cleavage-based fundraising exploits at the King of Diamonds, and the Minnesota Republican Party's constant reassurances that it has not, in fact, drugged the voters of District 6, political dialogue has become a bile-strewn minefield of cynicism-inducing rhetoric. Unsurprisingly, only the most partisan, senile, or crack-addled members of this great society assign anything even remotely resembling credibility to the sewage that so often spews forth from "campaign spokespeople."

What many don't realize, however, is that United States politics has a rich tradition of half-truths and factual elasticity. From Abraham Lincoln's contest for the presidency in which he accused Southern Democrat John Breckinridge of being a hoop-skirt wearing Southern dandy, to Republican Wendell Wilkie's infamous assertion that "Franklin Deleanor Roosevelt can't even stand up to pee. There's no way he can possibly stand up to the Nazis," democracy has a rich history of making liars out of otherwise honest men and women.

But why should politicians have all the fun?

The Rake wants to find the biggest and best liars of our time. It's the common man's turn to belly up to the proverbial bar and demonstrate just how dishonest he (or she) can be. And while there's no accommodating hottie offering carnal gymnastics as a tempting carrot to inspire creativity, as there might be in a real bar, we are willing to put our money where our mouths are and offer a fabulously Rakish prize package to the enterprising soul who can come up with the best and most creative lie about a political figure in the form of a news brief or headline. And for inspiration, some of The Rake's writers have offered up their own politically suicidal tall tales:

Rake co-publisher Tom Bartel offers this breaking news from the presidential campaign:

• As part of a new terrorism deterrent package, McCain to have Vice President Palin shoot Terrorists from a helicopter.

• Presidential candidate John McCain admits why he loves the war in Iraq, says it makes Vietnam look like a good idea.

Contributor Andrew Newman discovered the real reason the voting public should be concerned about Al Franken's U.S. Senate campaign and the possibility of a veto-proof Democratic majority in Congress:

• Newly unearthed archival footage from comedy clubs across the nation shows that Al Franken is not actually a women-hating misogynist, but will, in fact, grind your bones to make his bread.
  

• Washington insiders discover plans by Senate Democratic leadership to abolish Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, Valentine's Day, President's Day, St. Patrick's Day, April Fool's Day, Lent, Ash Wednesday, Easter, Passover, May Day, Memorial Day, the Fourth of July, Arbor Day, Labor Day, Halloween, Boxing Day, Ramadan, Hanukkah, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Kwanzaa, Columbus Day, replacing the long-standing holidays with Soviet-inspired celebrations such as International Workers' Day and Cosmonautics Day.

Rake book blogger Max Ross uncovers the Coleman campaign plans for a last-ditch push to retain his Senate seat:

• Newly Converted Muslim Norman Hussein Coleman Switches to Independence Party, saying "I tried being a Jewish Democrat and a Christian Republican, it was the only option left on the table. Allahu Akbar!"

And The Defenestrator's own sources provided late-breaking news for voters in Minnesota's 6^th and 3^rd Districts:

• Michele Bachmann likes to says she's one of us, but she's not. As the heir to the Massengill fortune, Bachmann is out of touch with the issues of Main Street. Her lavish lifestyle, and her campaign, is funded by douches.

• On Sept. 30, Eric Paulsen pointed out that Democrat Ashwin Madia has no children - making it difficult for him to understand the issues facing District 3 voters. The reality is much much worse. Ashwin Madia not only has no babies of his own, but he actually kidnaps them from the Ridgedale Gymboree and pens them like veal in his rented gingerbread house, fattening them up until they're ready to be braised in a delicious port wine sauce.