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The latest version of the bailout bill being voted on tonight in Congress doesn't just amount to lipstick on a pig. It's Rush Limbaugh smothered in fetid road kill. It's Jenna Jameson's newly launched line of baby accessories. Dear gods, it's even Norm Coleman's blighted pre-op teeth. And yet, the Senate has already approved it 74-25 and sent it on to the House of Representatives.

Despite an overwhelming public outcry; despite bipartisan resistance from Congress, leading to the failure of the Bush-administration's proposed $700 billion bailout; and despite the simple fact that there have been virtually no viable alternatives to this bill proposed since the bailout was initially shot down, the Senate approved it again. Which begs the obvious question - does anyone on Capitol Hill have the first goddamned clue what the hell they're doing?

According to hordes of economists and pundits whose names aren't Paulson and Bernanke, there needs to be government intervention. But according to those same French-cuff wearing hordes, this isn't the right approach, coming as it does with a huge government price tag and not addressing the fundamental issues at play with this crisis. At best, the plan will gradually provide a relatively soft landing while providing little to no relief for the average voter. At worst - the dollar will drop against foreign currencies faster than oil company "entertainers" at a Department of the Interior party, banks will continue on their merry way to entropic implosion, taking the global economic system down with them, thus leaving the rest of us to stare forlornly at what once was our 401(k) and consider the possibilities of a fulfilling and exciting lifestyle raising alpacas.

At this point, most people would sooner trust Ron Jeremy than Henry Paulson. At least the legendary Hedgehog may be able to tap some mystical Semitic ancestral memory to help navigate the crisis. Plus, his credibility hasn't been compromised by proposing a $700 billion handout that leaves the country saddled with more than a trillion dollars in new debt. But since the authors of the bailout plan have dressed it up with tax cuts and incentives that sway seductively, sensuously moaning for passage from within the 450 pages of the proposal, sadly, that's exactly what's likely to happen.

And that's what's maddening. For all intents and purposes this is the same bill that was put forth on Monday. Nothing has changed in any substantive way. Even Michelle Bachmann experienced a brief shining moment of lucidity, shaking off her maddening desire to bring forth a master race of evangelical Texans with delusions of competence from her loins and came out against the proposed bailout. Of course, the psychosis soon returned, leaving her raving and gnawing on furniture as she frothed at the mouth about how the Baby Jesus' kitten would soon fall prey to the Cyndy Brucato's soul-devouring hunger if we don't lower the capital gains tax. But instead of discussing alternatives in honor of Rep. Bachmann's first sane statement in her eight years of public service, the bailout's architects gilded the pig.

Rather than stop to think about what the government could do that doesn't involve buying worthless assets and trying to convince voters that they may someday be valuable securities again, congressional leadership is happily tying in funding for rural school districts, alternative minimum tax remedies, incentives for renewable energy use, expansion of mental health insurance benefits - virtually anything to bring in the votes. Neither of the presidential candidates is offering any alternatives, and Sen. McCain - he who shall save the country $18 billion in pork barrel spending, has not a word to say about the pandering being done to resurrect the bill so good Congress gets to vote on it twice.

Putting aside the Lohan-esque insanity of tying unrelated spending to what could be one of the most important bills to come to a vote in decades, these initiatives have a price tag - a net cost of approximately $110 billion more in deficit spending with nothing that even begins to address the fundamental instability in the bottom-most levels of the economy. Doesn't a large part of the blame accrue to those who spent money they didn't have on housing? And Congress will solve the crisis by spending even more money it doesn't have in a desperate attempt to garner votes? In comparison, the decision to turn Corey Haim into a late 80's leading man was a miracle of measured logic - for was it not the audience's fondest wish to see one of the Coreys make out with Heather Graham and Nicole Eggert (NSFW) of "Charles in Charge" and "Baywatch" fame?