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*What Would Diablo Cody Do?

The economy is in shambles, home foreclosures are rampant, the U.S. government is taking its first tentative steps toward nationalization of our financial system, there's already Sarah Palin themed porn in production, and the New Kids on the Block are touring the country once again. And despite these issues, any one of which promises to cause massive amounts of chafing during its sodomization of the American public, we're treated to pedantic talking points and campaign ads that are nothing but thinly veiled ways of saying that they suck less than the opposition. Even worse, virtually every opportunity for any semblance of real debate or honest political dialogue, from the presidential debates to press conferences in Minnesota's 3^rd district, is squandered in tightly scripted political theater during which candidates are warned against offering anything but highly vetted talking points and the occasional family-friendly zinger.

Making the situation even more painful is the simple fact that these campaigns have dragged on for almost two years in some cases. The agony the public is forced to endure whilst watching this drama unfold in a manner that makes Jennyanydots seem fascinating in comparison is astounding. As a result, we need change in a way that even Barack Obama and his handlers haven't anticipated. Change inspired by the bizarrely coherent proposals of Paris Hilton. Change that can only spring forth like a malformed goddess of wisdom and war from the diseased mind of the Defenestrator. In short, we need more celebrities.

As long as the campaigns insist on controlling every word that spews forth from their candidates' mouths, scripting each gesture and movement down to Sarah Palin's on-again/off-again accent, why subject the public to watching the candidates at all? Why not script the entire campaign, using the millions of campaign donations to hire Hollywood celebrities and the best writers money and attractive interns with questionable ethics can buy? Would not the American public prefer to watch Denzel Washington thundering away at Jon Voight in a town hall forum, railing against the establishment and insisting on justice for the middle class, with Will Ferrell naked and running gamely across the stage screaming that he's streaking?

Furthermore, red-blooded Republicans would eagerly line up behind a gamine Megan Fox as she stumbles her way through a CBS Evening News interview in a low-cut top. And even the most politically-correct Democrat would crack a smile as Halle Berry, the newly crowned "Sexiest Woman Alive," visits MN to stump for her man and engage in Swordfishian hijinx atop one of Minneapolis' trendy new boutique hotels. And wouldn't the race in our own 3rd District be profoundly more interesting if some of the money pouring in from outside the district was offered to Diablo Cody to make the dialogue more honest to blog? Michael Cera could be brought in to play the scrappy Democratic upstart whose awkwardly geeky, yet somehow ascerbically witty, ways endear him to the cool kids in Plymouth.

And why not? It's not as if we're actually getting to know the candidates, or their beliefs anyway. At least this approach would draw in those who previously took no interest in politics and make the years of excruciating speeches, sermonizing and spewing of sewage into the public dialogue moderately entertaining. And what's more American than entertainment? So what if we're trivializing the role of an informed populace in the operation of our democracy - our candidates are doing a spectacular job of that already. Adding Will Ferrell's quivering buttocks to the electoral map couldn't possibly make matters any worse.