The daily digest of Twin Cities culture | Secrets of the City

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Photos by India Bell

With the RNC and the Minnesota summer both facing their last gasps, tonight was the final chance for hordes of skinny unwashed white people to preach sedition and do joyous hippie dances on the Capitol lawn. And they didn't disappoint. Eight to ten thousand of them held hands on the Capitol lawn and demanded an end to the war, equality and justice for all, and severe ass-whuppins from the hundreds of police officers in full riot gear on hand. Inside the Xcel, however, much was afoot as the nation's elite came together to plot what, according to them, was their sure route to victory.

6:10 pm: Eric Paulsen takes the stage and lets everyone know he's running for Congress in MN's 3^rd district. He tells the few people who've found their seats that he's "one of the new generation of Republican reformers." Funny...he looks like he should be old enough to remember what happened to New Coke....

6:13 pm: Jay Love, Congressional candidate from Alabama looks thrilled to be here. He even tells us how thrilled he is to be here. Or at least, those of us on blogger row think that's what he says. It's hard to tell since it sounds like he's got a wad of chaw in his mouth. It seems he wants to drill for more "orl," whatever that is. And interestingly, the first thing out of his mouth isn't a call to elect John McCain or concern for the economy. It's concern over those pesky Democrats trying to take away his guns. Those wacky Democrats. Too bad you can't just shoot them.

6:15 pm: Charlie Summers, a candidate from Maine's 1^st Congressional District apparently started his campaign just as he was called to active duty. Instead of dropping out, he had his wife campaign for him while he was gone. He got back just before the primary and won. Which makes a guy wonder - how much would it blow the proverbial goat to be beaten by your opponent's wife?

6:17 pm: Aaron Shock comes up for his turn on stage. Yet another candidate for state representative, but this one is different. He's from Illinois! And he's 27-years old! And so continues the unrelenting parade of "does anyone who the hell knows who this guy stumping for McCain is?"

6:20 pm: Dave Capiello, another candidate, this time from Connecticut. Because CT and Republican go so well together. Unfortunately for him, it's still early and his delegation isn't even in place yet so his applause lines are met with blank stares.

6:22 pm: Sen. John Ensign the senator from Nevada first elected in 1994 - the year of the Newt - provides a nice narration about Jacob Fogel, a Nevada navy man who built bridges in Iraq and like most soldiers there, lost friends. And did you know that John McCain did that too? Not in Iraq, of course. But he did the fighting thing. And he's the right man for the presidency. Not like Democrats, who'll take us away from the dream of Ronald Reagan who farted rainbows and monkeys, and ensured puppies for all. But not kittens. Only liberals like cats. Oh, and god wants you to come to Vegas. Come for the buffets, stay for the hookers.

6:29 pm: The same "You can't touch your country" video montage narrated by Robert Duvall is repeated tonight. I suppose it's important to get your money's worth when you're shelling out the big bucks for Robert Duvall's golden pipes as narrator. But it still evokes images of monstrously inappropriate uses for the Grand Tetons.

6:31 pm: Mitch McConnell, the Senate minority leader from Kentucky, has an incredibly surprising announcement for all of us. It's time to nominate the candidate for vice president. Wait for it...wait for it...it's Sarah Palin! Holy shit!

6:33 pm: Hockey Moms of the world, unite! Jon Huntsman, the governor of Utah, has apparently been screaming like a schoolgirl ever since the Palin announcement went out - thus losing his voice. He says they're looking for Sarah. Sarah? Sarah! She's gonna kick a few fannies and raise some hell, but not too much, wouldn't be proper. The delegates are happy to take up the chant as Huntsman's voice gives out, shouting "Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!" and Huntsman asks them all to stand up for her! Stand up for Sarah! As the governor chants for everyone to "stand up out of their seats for Sarah," I can't help but think it sounds a bit like everyone cheering for that slow kid on the high school track team.

6:38 pm: Mitch McConnell (aka: the Moleman) recognizes the delegate from Alaska, who says she brought her peeps, then flashes some Yukon gang signs. Fairbanks in the house, muthafuckas! She nominates Sarah Palin for the office of VP of the United States, and the nomination is accepted unanimously. In the words of the Onion - "Holy Fucking Shit." I'm shocked. But wait...didn't they do that last night? It would seem your Wednesday night acceptance speech was presumptive, Gov. Palin!

6:41 pm: In honor of Sarah Barracuda, the event organizers seem to have raided the ass end of iTunes for a recording of Barracuda, by Heart. Well...at least it's not country.

6:43 pm: Maria Cino, the ‘08 RNC president and CEO, wants to make sure Minnesota knows they're not just plague bearers calling down a pandemic of scrawny white anarchists upon those who would deign to host them. No, they volunteer! They help! They worked the Special Olympics and helped out at the Dorothy Day Center! Please love us. We're not all bat-shit crazy like Michelle Bachmann. And don't forget to vote for John McCain.

6:47 pm: The representative from Tennessee, Marsha Blackburn, looks remarkably like the perky woman from Murphy Brown. Sadly, she sounds like Fran Drescher. She is, however, very excited about Sarah Palin, thinks it's about damn time a woman got some love. Because she hasn't for years and, perhaps as a result, has some serious Gloria Steinem-esque angst going on. It does, however, sound like everyone is tickled all sorts of pink now that Gov. Palin has demonstrated her willingness to mix it up, though a few idle camera men loitering near the press stand seem to think that Joe Biden will "fuck her shit up."

6:52 pm: Rosario Marin, former U.S. treasurer, stands in front the bizarre backdrop of the suburban house with the grandmother in a rocking chair on the porch used during Michelle Bachmann's speech on Tuesday and quotes Bette Midler without any trace of irony. "My son has always been the wind beneath my wings." Perhaps in this case the messenger should be spared, but there's no question her speech-writer should be drawn and quartered.

6:55 pm: At this point of the night, among this endless parade of pseudo-somebodies and has-beens, we still haven't gotten the meat we were promised tonight. Where are the issues? The solutions? Up to this point, we're seeing the same "Democrats want to eat your baby" approach from the last three days.

6:57 pm: "Hi, I'm Joe Watkins from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I love America more than any other country I've been to." Umm....ok....and...? I love America too; can I give a speech at the next RNC?

7:01 pm: Senator. Mel Martinez says we hold a special place in the world, and we need strong leadership to maintain that place. And only one man has the experience and history of putting country first. And this same man values peace because he knows war sucks. Unsurprisingly, this man turns out to be John McCain. And the delegates don't seem to find it at all odd for such a peace loving man to feel the need to poke Russia with a pointy stick at every opportunity.

7:03 p.m.: It's interesting to watch the speakers run down the gamut of reasons offered why John McCain is the man to fix all the country's problems. Fear seems to be a fairly common thread though. There are scary people in the world, after all. And they hate us. They hate freedom. They even hate rainbows.

7:05 pm: Gov. Tim Pawlenty takes the stage to the applause of a conquering hero, or maybe just the applause of a guy who got royally screwed by Sarah Palin. But despite looking like he wants to pack up his toys and head home, he gamely soldiers on and toes the God, Guts and John McCain line. And in the process, he makes some solid points. John McCain fought against earmarks and pork barrel spending. McCain did support the troop surge - both of which were political risks. But after that, the speech that began with such promise rapidly devolves into talking points and a metaphor about "Sam's Club Republicans," which may have something to do with buying toilet paper in bulk due to a tough economy. Pawlenty also mentions that we don't need rhetoric. I actually agree with him. Sadly, everyone else here seems pretty damn pleased with getting just that.

7:12 pm: Former Sen. Bill Frist starts telling a story about a family he met on the road. Had this turned into a story about where there was only one set of footprints where there should be two, but the one set of footprints was actually where god carried the family, I planned on rioting. But it's actually a story about medical diplomacy - American doctors going overseas to help the sick and hurt. And Frist is right - under Bush and a Republican congress the U.S. has invested in preventing malaria, helping provide AIDS medication, etc. to Africa. He didn't mention that the U.S. hasn't yet lived up to its funding commitments in that area, but I've got to concede the point - it's a great program.

7:15 pm: According to Frist, Cindy McCain was in Rwanda during the genocide because she wants to help alleviate the suffering there. Well...shit, why isn't she running for president then? And on a completely unrelated note, Bill Frist sounds like he's reading Goodnight Moon to a toddler. Sure, some of the delegates are old enough to be in diapers, but it's still a little freaky.

7:19 pm: Lt. General Carol Mutter is the first woman in the corps (Marine) to be a 3-star General, and tells a story about the highest ranked woman to die in Iraq. She was a Public Information Officer, and always said, "Be bold, be brief, and be gone." Unfortunately, Mutter doesn't take the advice to heart and once again reminds us that the world is full of people who want to blow us up and fill our country with the gay and Islamofascists.

7:22 pm: Sen. Sam Brownback, from Kansas, wants to know if America is ready to rock. Given the reaction to Barracuda, I'd say the answer is yes, but only if it's more kick-ass music from the Reagan era. Brownback wants us all to remember that we're the greatest and most powerful country in the history of the world. I wasn't aware we were keeping track, but I wonder if the senator has heard of the Roman or British Empires?

7:25 pm: Apparently it's the audience participation portion of the night, with the good Senator from Kansas asking the assembled delegates if we're going to do everything from win in Iraq, to achieve energy independence through increased drilling and increased use of "clean coal technologies." In a clever riff on Obama's catchphrase, he has the crowd's loins aflame as they screamed, "Yes we will!" in response to every single line.

7:29 pm: GOP DANCE PARTY!!!! Everybody get Footloose! Octogenarians swing towels around their heads and awkward white men with dreams of finding love in small town America raise their heads high and shuffle stiffly to and fro. Aren't the Bacon Brothers in town this week?

7:32 pm: Mary Fallin, U.S. representative from Oklahoma, reminds us that 13 years ago Timothy McVeigh done blowed up Oklahoma City. She was Oklahoma's Lt. Gov. at the time and she found the response of the American people to the need in Oklahoma to be spectacular. People rushed to help, just like everyone did at 9/11. Surprisingly enough, it's the first 9/11 mention of the night. And don't forget - the world has people who don't like us. Or puppies. Republicans love puppies. And John McCain has a gigantic penis. I know, I've seen it. I'm paraphrasing, of course.

7:39 pm: It's terrorist video montage time - look! Men of indeterminate Middle Eastern heritage dancing in a circle with AK-47s. I wonder how the reporters from Al-Jazeera were feeling as they watched this one. After more references to 9/11 and the U.S.S. Cole, the delegates are assured we'll totally kick the shit out of the terrorists as long as John McCain is elected. It's the most crass use of 9/11 I've seen in years, but it elicited plenty of "USA! USA! USA!" chants from the delegates. They especially liked the part about kicking the shit out of terrorists.

7:42 pm: 2008 Decathlon gold medal winner Brian Play. I love being a gold medal winner, but I'm proudest of being a dad. My priorities are God, Family and Track. What? No Country? What happened to Country First Brian? Get thee from this stage! No one is giving him the hook though, so he's free to talk about the support it takes for him to win at the Olympics and doesn't mention anything about how many more medals we'll win if John McCain is elected.

7:46 pm: Joe Gibbs, former coach of the Redskins, gets the most applause of any speaker thus far, though perhaps not quite the enthusiastic reception that Footloose did. He was here in 1991 to win the Superbowl and loved Minnesota. Even the MN delegation wasn't too excited about that. Maybe they're jealous that he's actually won a few of those?

7:50 pm: Coach Gibbs firmly believes that McCain and Palin will lead America to a spiritual revival. Because, you know, the spiritual revival and return to Christian values promised by the evangelical Christian we already have worked out so well. Regardless, Gibbs is the first speaker all night not to use the teleprompter, and barely looks down at his notes. So big ups to the man for coming prepared.

7:53 pm: Another GOP DANCE PARTY!!! This time it's "Put Me In Coach" by John Fogerty, followed immediately by more Kenny Loggins doing "Danger Zone." Not only is John McCain the maverick this country needs, but he will buzz the goddamn tower.

7:59 pm: Sen. Lindsey Graham speaks against a backdrop of Arlington cemetery grave markers while informing us that the troop surge works - Anbar province was turned over to the Iraqis just this week, violence is down, coalition casualties are down, there's a Starbucks on every corner and the Burger King just moved his family there.

8:03 pm: McCain was right, Obama was wrong and Gen. Petraeus' plan for stability in Iraq will bring victory in Iraq, improved security for the U.S., and be a model for generations to come. Umm...that begs a rather important question. What country are we planning to use this model on?

8:09 pm: A video is introduced by Graham to introduce us to Sarah Palin. Mayor. Governor. Maverick. She hunts moose. She snowmobiles. She plays basketball. She had giant freaking hair in the 80's. But she ran for mayor to reduce the waste she saw in her town of 7,000. Then as mayor she brought home a ridiculous amount of money from the federal government that allowed her to pay for infrastructure improvements in her town while dropping property taxes.

8:14 pm: The former governor of PA and first Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge bears a remarkable resemblance to Wayne Newton and receives a ridiculous amount of applause. I'm guessing that, were he the VP choice, he probably wouldn't have quite the reception. Damn babykiller.

8:20 pm: Many people wonder how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. And thanks to that fucker, Mr. Owl, the world may never know. And at this point, I've got a similar question regarding how many ways Republican speech writers can think of to tell us that John McCain is a POW, an honorable man, and has the wisdom and experience to lead this country.

8:25 pm: Ridge takes a break from speaking to let the crowd chant for a while. And honestly, most of them could probably give the speech for him at this point.

8:27 pm: Another video retrospective. This one about Cindy McCain. She comes from a military family, her dad was even shot down three times. When he got out, he met Smitty - Cindy McCain's mom. And her mom didn't seem to mind that he was a married man. Family values at their finest!

8:32 pm: Cindy then carried on the family tradition by hooking up with John after he tossed his first wife to the curb. But she did found the American Voluntary Medical Team and helped refugees by helping provide vital medical services, adopted a Bangladeshi girl from Mother Theresa's orphanage and has, by far, the best hair of the evening.

8:36 pm: Cindy McCain is left alone on stage to speak and takes the opportunity to talk about charity and philanthropy. And how much better all that would work if the government would just get out of the way. According to her, America is the most generous country in history. Of course, other countries might disagree, since we not only give less as a percentage of our GNP than most other Western countries, but we also tend to tie strings to our gifts, requiring foreign aid to be spent on American goods, thus continuing the cycle of poverty in third world countries. But that's neither here now there. Cuz shut yo' mouth, we're talkin' ‘bout John McCain! He's a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman.

8:50 pm: Cindy's praise for Gov. Palin is designed to have a folksy appeal, but she refuses to go for it. The teleprompter offers up a speechwriter's best attempt at the vocabulary of middle America - full of "huntin'" and "fishin'." I was hopin' for some fuckin' too, but I was sadly disappointed. The speechwriter probably was too, since the icy patrician beauty of Cindy McCain does not butcher the language so! "No. I will not call it huntin', or fishin', the King's English demands nothing less than perfect diction! There are Gs on those words, damnit!"

8:56 pm: GOP DANCE PARTY, part 3!!! "Johnny Be Good," Kool & the Gang's "Celebrate" and the Stray Cats' "Rock This Town" fill the dead air while we wait for John McCain - the night's featured speaker and the Republican Party's apparent messiah. It seems profoundly bizarre that he's in this position after being bent over, sans lube, by some of these same people just 8 years ago.

9:04 pm: Yet another video retrospective, this time about the man of the hour. By the way - many people aren't aware that John McCain was a POW. And he's actually a better person for it. The video parrots the talking points from the rest of the night, though it's entertaining that the "illegitimate black baby" that doomed McCain in South Carolina back in 2000 is now being touted as just another example of why John McCain is the right choice for president.

9:12 p.m.: John McCain takes the stage - the conquering hero who finally managed to garner the adoration of his party. "They love me! They really love me!" The crowd chants "USA! USA! USA!". McCain thanks the crowd, but his eyes are saying "shut the hell up so I can get this speech moving." And despite some interruptions from protestors who've managed to slip in to the Xcel Center, move it does.

Unfortunately for McCain, it moves in all the wrong directions. Of course his speech hits all the right notes to appeal to his conservative base - judges who don't legislate from the bench, a culture of life, faith, service, low taxes. But McCain, up until his loss in 2000, was never about toeing the party line. And his speech does exactly that - making it even more difficult to co-opt the message of change that the Democrats have made their own. McCain obviously wants to be the independent senator he was. But he's having a hell of a time doing it with the party leaderships' hands wrapped around his junk, encouraging him to support policies that just aren't necessarily his, historically. The only time he seems truly comfortable is when talking about his time as a POW, and discussing how bipartisan his administration will be.

Even worse for this message of change, these are many of the same policies and ideologies Congress and the executive branch has followed for the last eight to 12 years. And it had to gall Sen. McCain even more to thank George Bush, the man who, in conjunction with Karl Rove, kicked him in the jimmy during his last presidential campaign.

But even McCain's obvious pain at some points during the speech weren't the largest problem. It was that John McCain was giving the American public exactly what he promised he wouldn't - empty rhetoric. After being promised the where, why and how of his plans earlier that day, The Rake has been forced to call bullshit.

On everything from taxes to education and the war on terror, McCain gave us vague promises. He'll lower taxes where the vile kitten-loving Democrats will raise them. He'll win the war on terror. And he even went so far as to reprise Pres. Bush's Axis of Evil speech, except this time Russia was included on the list. The promised hows, whys and wheres were MIA. And while that shouldn't come as a surprise at a political convention, it's still disappointing coming from Sen. McCain.

In place of those promised hows, whys and wheres was a patronizing "Papa knows how these things work. Trust me. Papa knows." That may be an effective approach with college freshmen drunk on Champale, but here's hoping the American electorate isn't quite that easy.

But, as the assembled delegates filed out to their buses and attempted to stumble back to the hotels for one last torrid romp in the sack with the campaign worker of their choice and the 2008 Republican National Convention came to a close, none of that seemed to matter. Why? Because no matter what, we've got to listen to another two more months of this crap from Democrats and Republicans alike. This guy, who broadcasted live from the convention and just wants to be left alone to die in peace seems just about as happy with that as me.