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With consumers on the receiving end of an 87-octane enema for the last few months, it's understandable that various politicians would be spewing forth bile-filled diatribes laying blame for the current situation squarely at the feet of the opposition. Democrats are accused of being so "unmoved by the plight of hard-working Americans, they are unwilling to do anything to alleviate the pain." Republicans, of course, are "in the pockets of oil companies" and just trying to help their cronies reap a windfall at the expense of honest, god-fearing, patriotic, SUV-driving Americans who want nothing more than to be left alone to mourn for the loss of American primacy in the penis wars.

Yesterday our Fearless Leader called for Congress to allow drilling in coastal waters that oil companies are currently barred from exploring. To oil companies, America is like the girlfriend who considers the back door off-limits. To the callous and crass frat boys of our petroleum producers, any hole that may offer a payoff is one worth exploring – thus setting the stage for the battle between reduced gas prices and social benefits like stable ecosystems and unpolluted water.

Of course, that's a false dichotomy.

Given that there are 68 million acres of land that are, as of yet, unexplored and undeveloped by oil companies despite those lands being opened for drilling in within the last seven years, it's unlikely any oil would be pumped in from offshore rigs within the next decade. Not to mention the simple fact that the 2 million barrels of oil a day potentially drawn from those reserves would be the proverbial drop in the bucket by the time the crude starts a'flowin'. Bottom line – you'd be more likely to improve your economic position by filming your girlfriend playing Wii Fit in her underoos and parlaying that into a TRL appearance than by encouraging oil companies to go spelunking in coastal waters.

So ignoring the fact that Americans would be offering up their most pristine and unspoiled areas of wilderness in return for Jack and shit, in the end it's not a choice between reducing gas prices and preserving the environment. It's a question of wasting resources while we desperately grasp at a dying way of life. Even though we would prefer the approach taken by Luke Skywalker, fervently denying the truth as told by Lord Vader, when James Earl Jones speaks the cold hard facts, we must listen. And the truth is, there is more economic benefit to be found in dedicating the money oil companies might spend to alternative power research, whether in cellulose biofuels, allowing food to be produced for eating, not fuel, renewable sources like solar or wind power, or cold fusion – thus providing us with the damn flying cars we were promised oh so many years ago.

And since Minnesota leads in cellulose ethanol research and has a thriving wind-power industry, this approach would allow us to offer a big "fuck you" to the gulf states, several of which suck down tax dollars like a crack-starved Tyrone Biggums. And if there's anything a Republican respects, it's self-sufficiency.