The daily digest of Twin Cities culture | Secrets of the City

On the well-manicured lawn that is the Democratic primary, there resides a two large groups of little old men shouting epithets at one another, screaming for "these kids" to get the fuck off their lawn.

Sadly, these arthritic individuals aren't Edina's most senior residents, as one might expect of these wizened figures glowering at any who would dare trespass on their pristine grass. No, these crotchety creatures shaking their fists at one another are the splintered remnants of the once proudly unified Democratic party. Now, after months of spewing bile and vitriol in the most closely fought primary in U.S. election history, the party is split - a camel toe on the hot pants of American politics, if you will.

One group sides with the party's Luke Skywalker - Barack Obama. With the Force as his guide and a lightsaber wit he has systematically thwarted the ambitions of his opposition in most states without a reputation for incest or goat love. Up until a few months ago, Hillary Clinton was the presumptive nominee - basking in the collective adulation of the left-hand of American politics with a nigh-unbelievable midichlorian count. Now she has been pushed off her pedestal and is seeking to parlay her grip on America's crotch into a last desperate hope for a presidential nod.

Regardless of who is eventually chosen as the Democratic nominee, the party is in trouble. With a significant percentage of each candidates' saying they'd never vote for the other, what used to look like a potential majority in congress along with a nigh-certain seat in the Oval Office, complete with nubile interns ready to provide service with a smile, is turning into a potential tossup if Democrats embittered by the primary stay home or vote Green. Minnesota is a prime example of this phenomenon, with thousands of Obamites crying for blood in the event of what now looks like an unlikely Hillary win.

Normally, this all or nothing mentality would seem to be something to be respected, or at least be a compelling argument for instant runoff voting. And I have nothing but admiration for those who are willing to shoot themselves in the foot to take a stand against a cause they believe to be immoral. However, in this case it's not shooting themselves in the foot so much as it is packing their collective rectum with C-4 and handing the detonator to the Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight.

Voting Green isn't equated with explosive asses as a general rule, but those are the stakes set by Democrats this year. According to virtually every one of them, this next election is the one that will determine the country's position on the world stage - a plausible theory given that Canadian money is now as valuable as the U.S. dollar. If that's not a sign of America's pending doom, what is? But why is such a significant percentage of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama's supporters so willing to throw away the chance to set the direction of the country for years to come when the candidates' policies bear incredible similarities, especially when stacked up against the Republican competition?

The bottom line is that the entire election campaign has consisted of talk about the necessity of change, about change for the better, about the country being unable to afford four more years of the same failed foreign policy. So why are so many Democrats already so bitter that they've made up their minds before the chosen candidate, whoever it may be, has a chance to make his or her platform known without getting a Democratic donkey punch after every speech - thus risking the very change they claim to want more than a sweaty night on a circle bed with Scarlet Johansson and the winners of The Rake's Most Beautiful People at the Capitol contest?